How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety: And Abstinence, Drugs, Satanism, and Other Dangers That

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Product Description The cats of America are under siege!    Long gone are the good old days when a cat’s biggest worries were mean dogs or a bath. Modern cats must confront satanists, online predators, the possibility of needing to survive in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, and countless other threats to their nine lives. For over four decades, the American Association of Patriots have stood at the vanguard of our country's defense by helping to prepare our nation's cat owners for the difficult conversations they dread having with their pets. Written in a simple Q&A format, How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety answers crucial questions such as, “What is the right age to talk to my cat about the proper use of firearms?” and “What are the benefits of my cat living a lifestyle of abstinence?” and especially “Why does my cat need to use the internet? Can’t he just play with yarn like cats used to do?” Our country—and our cats—stand at a precipice. It will take courage, and it will take hard work, but armed with the knowledge within these pages, we can make our cats—and America—great again! About the Author Zachary Auburn is a writer and artist whose 'zines include an analysis of every outfit worn by the Golden Girls in the first season, a Choose Your Own Adventure about a tortured relationship (which Slate called a "small masterpiece"), and a field guide to the aliens on Star Trek. He has been profiled in the Portland Mercury, Catster magazine, and Utne Reader. Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. Chapter 1 HOW TO TALK TO YOUR CAT ABOUT GUN SAFETY Do I need to talk to my cat about gun safety? The first question many of you will be asking is, “Do I really need to teach my cat about gun safety?” The answer is an unequivocal “Yes!!!” The Constitution of the United States of America guarantees us the right to own and operate firearms, and that is a right we must exercise in order to keep our country healthy, lest our democracy atrophy. It is the duty of all American citizens—as well as their cats—to be able to use and maintain a firearm. Citizens who cannot handle a gun safely are as irresponsible and useless as citizens who do not own a gun at all. Americans and their homes are under attack. It is impurrative that, in order to ensure the future security of our country, every man, woman, child, and cat be able to defend our nation against the enemies of democracy. Do cats really play with guns? Yes! Absolutely yes! Even a cursory search of the Internet will turn up dozens of pictures of cats playing with guns, almost all handling them in an incredibly unsafe manner. The pictures above and on page 7 are but a small sample—the tip of the iceberg—that illustrates the very real danger posed by cats who are uneducated in the ways of gun safety. So my cat finds a gun, what’s the big deal? It is frequently said that curiosity killed the cat, but what is often left unsaid is that the actual cause of death was the improper discharge of a firearm by a poorly trained feline. Cats are inquisitive creatures, no doubt about it. They are going to explore every nook and cranny of your home. And if you keep a firearm in your place of residence (which you should), it is only a matter of time before your cat discovers it. Pawse for a meowment to think about which scenario you would rather have play out: Your cat, never having seen or handled a gun before, bats it around as if it’s just another toy or stuffed mouse, possibly discharging it in the process? Or, Your cat, whom you have already talked to about how a firearm is a tool and not a toy, and who has received extensive training on the proper handling of the weapon, discovers your firearm and accords it the respect it is due? The answer should be as obvious as the whiskers on your cat’s face! Is it safe to own a gun if I have cats in my house? Pawsitively yes! A gun is a tool, plain and simple. While it does have the potential to cau

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